The first woman
 

Men fall in love with her but she doesn’t care. The beautiful Patricia prefers women and appreciates only femininity..

“I have been the first for many women” – says modestly and even a little embarrassed Patricia. Blush spreads over her cheeks and her eyes as if seem even bluer. Beautiful is Patricia. Tall, slender, blond hair covering her shoulders. She knows she’s liked and is good at flirting. Just not with the right person. Actually regarding that matter our opinions differ. She’s convinced tat the woman is created for … a woman. I thing that harmony comes from men and women complementing each other. The moment that thought came to me I realized what a horrible traditionalist am I. But that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Patricia and I are drinking cappuccino in a café in Sofia. Here some of the waitresses are … lesbians, "does it show", Patricia testing me. "Some of the customers too. Can you tell?" No, I can’t. They are simply women. Beautiful women. Does poor Richard Geer suspect there’s such a dimension to the “Pretty woman”

“I am lesbian in my sexual preferences” – enlightens me Patricia. "But above all I’m a woman…very woman! What I appreciate in other women is mainly femininity. My logic is that you have to look for things in the place where they are odds are highest tat they will be of best quality. I like beautiful women, I give them an eye, I dream about them, I feel good with them."

How is a feminine woman supposed to look like?
- Like a woman. With fine physique, I prefer long hair, tender, with no masculine behavior.

Gays are active and passive. Do lesbians adopt such roles?
- What? One of them to bang her fist on the table demanding her salad ad the other to scamper with a dish in her hands? Oh, no. We are enjoying the same roles. Each one of us does what is pleasant for her and her partner. We complement each other.

I have heard jealousy between gay-partners is very strong. How about between lesbians?
- Between the fem lesbians things are rather staid. However, between he more masculine women jealousy is more pronounced. They go so far as to strike each other. It’s more a matter of honor rather than jealousy. But we feel jealousy too. It’s a human quality to be jealous when in love. After all jealousy depends on the feeling of security between the partners. Confidence plays a god role as well.

What do you think about gay men?
- Everyone assumes that I would be on god terms with gays just because I’m a lesbian. I’m not. I understand their problems, I sympathize with them, and that’s all. I won’t criticize them a lot because they are being criticized anyway and I don’t want to add to that. I think some of them are way too complacent and vainglorious. The attitude towards them would be much better if they were less showy. The sight of a man with manicure, make-up, artificial eyelashes, skirt and stockings and behavior of a whore makes me laugh hysterically. Does sexual preference have to reflect so ostentatiously on clothing, manners, drinks and cigarettes, interests, milieu, in their whole mixed-up life? Our sexual preferences are only a part of our personalities and when they become the guiding light for someone, the only purport and concern, the whole idea degenerates. That is why I divide homosexual men into two groups – gays that keep their bedroom activities to themselves and fags that put it on airs looking for dubious dividends. To be gay is a kind of culture, to be fag is shame. The same goes for some of the more masculine lesbians. They imitate men’s manners; speak with rough voice and by all means they try to look like the sex they renounce. They are demonstrably discernible and seeing them, people make their conclusions about the whole homosexual community. This creates the misunderstanding.

Patricia takes a deep breath, I just sigh. She has such a neat theory, I could only oppose to her with amateurish ratiocination. OK, she can view things “from inside“. How’s it with men?

- I have often been asked whether I hate them, whether I’ve been hurt. No, I don’t hate them. Obviously their all-embracing ego cannot tolerate the thought that they have no relation to my life and that I find women to be kinder and better. I have accepted the existence of men as something inevitable with which I have become reconciled. I amuse myself with their rivalry, comparing the “count”, measuring the phallus is completely grotesque. By their own account they are persons with great skills until the naked truth reveals their mediocre abilities and values. And look how they speak – their words full of galactic egoism: I can, I will give you, I will do it, I am, all the time I am, I am, I am…They ask idiotic questions of the kind: “With how many have you been before me?”, “Have you felt better with someone else?”, “Did you succeed?”. It’s ridiculous..

So, for all that, you’ve been with men?
- Oh yes, but it was not worth it. I don’t get excited by sex with men as by sex with women.

What’s the difference?
- Women are tender. They like to be caressed and touched while men think only of the final goal, i.e. of themselves.

How do you get off women?
- It’s different. I show that I’m interested, I behave more kindly and things somehow go their own way. Actually I don’t have to do it much often because they come to me. There are many women searching for other women and they show they desire me because I’m famous as a lesbian.

Disgusted by men?
- Rarely. They just like women more. Or they look for something different. Or a fling. That’s fallacy as well, that women are hurt or rejected by men. I often meet men that convince me that I just haven’t met the right one and that now they are going to show me what it means to be with a “real” man…

So?
- I amuse myself. What I like best about men is their women. I can live without men.

In this man’s world?
- They think it’s a man’s world. For many women it can be a man’s world indeed. My life, however, does not depend on man’s virtues. If women invest the same amount of energy, effort, passion and fantasy to build their own life as much as they do to make themselves more attractive to men, they would play a leading part together with men in many fields. But as long as women gloat over each other instead of taking the effort to make themselves well liked this world will continue to be a man’s world for many women.

However, in many fields they are dominant and that has nothing to do with your sexual preferences. Have you ever had to make sex with someone because of your career?
- No, my profession is not connected with men. In this respect I’m favored; I don’t depend on them. When a man finds out I’m a lesbian and I reject him rather than all men, they don’t feel not appreciated and leave me alone. Then we often become friends. I even think heterosexual women have more problems with men than I do. They are a potential “prey” and often their sex, not their qualities are defining in their professional career. Unfortunately I didn’t have to make sex with a woman in order to develop my career. My boss is a really pretty girl.

Have you been called a "fucking dyke"? 
- It has happened. But only men have called me so. Women are more tolerant towards sexual differences. Men start to insult once they lose the chance. It can’t be helped, though. It’s the same with heterosexuals. Man’s good attitude depends on how much things will go his way. If he doesn’t like it he offends.

Do you want to have a child?
- Yes. And I will have in all occasions.

How are you going to have it?
- The way you make a baby, with a man. I will not tell him what I want from him. I’ll bring up my child alone, so many people do it not being lesbian, I grew up without my parents and I know what is to grow up alone. I’ll do my best to be a good mother.

So, by nature’s law you are dependant on a man?
- That’s different and has no regards to my life and my sexuality.

Do you have a permanent partner?
- I had. We lived together for two years. I loved her very much but she had to go abroad. I was foolish not to follow her. That was the best time of my life. I don’t have a permanent partner now.

How did you become a lesbian anyway?
- I was thirteen when I had sex with a woman for the first time. I was too young. I continued later. When men came I clearly saw the difference for myself.

I try to say that was a sexual harassment. Patricia denies. She doesn’t want to talk about her childhood. She’s twenty-six now, joyful and smiling. She is aerobics instructor and a commercial representative of a famous sports company. She says she is happy with her profession and that it brings her satisfaction.

Years ago I was in Switzerland at a cinema festival. I was much surprised to see in the women’s restrooms screens showing movies made by women and addressing only women and of course featured only in places for women. At that time when I saw this extravagancy I felt the memory of my tipsy and evenly snoring husband become yet more precious. Why do I think the same thing now?