Expectations or Love?

“…The fact that she did not want to share my love to her with her family and friends was hurting me a lot. She was hiding careful, and I was thinking more and more of this as a proof that she does not love me enough…!”
This is one of the most serious and often met complaints in lesbian relationships. But is her refusal to reveal her partner’s feelings a sign for a lack of love?

Coming out to one’s relatives and friends is one of the most scary things for every lesbian. For some girls, the thought of such revelation is so terrifying that they would never consider doing it. For others, the need to preserve the relationship makes them overcome all fears; they take a deep breath and they pour out the news without any warning or preparation. Unfortunately, most often the result of this forced revelation is the end of the relationship as the girls have been pushed to do something they were not ready for. It is worst for those girls who know that their family and friends are homophobic, who have heard the latter mock, ridicule, and judge homosexuality. For those girls, pressure from the partner is most horrifying. But even those women who know that their parents and friends are tolerant to lesbians and accept philosophically homosexuality can potentially expect a negative reaction when a relative or a friend declares that she is a lesbian. There are such women who don’t know what their parents` or friends` attitude toward homosexuality is, whether positive or negative. The problem is also serious for them, because they have no idea what to expect. That is like walking on a street in Israel and finding a suitcase… whether you’ll find money or a bomb that will kill you if you open it…? Most probably the second… I guess most lesbians who have forced their girlfriends to come out have just forgotten their own coming out…they’ve forgotten their fears, the rejection they met, the pain they experienced.

“…Would it cost her that much to tell everyone that she loved me if she really had feelings for me…” - continues the complaint of the same woman who pushed her girlfriend so much that the relationship ended. Of course, she does not take into account the fact that her girlfriend was so scared from the revelation that she preferred to get out of the relationship. So, she thinks that the sole reason is the lack of love. Many lesbians are familiar with such type of conviction, and such complaints will be heard for a long time ahead. Some lesbians will never find any proof of love sufficient unless her partner shouts aloud to the whole world that she has feelings and that she is a lesbian.
I often wonder why these girls do not accept the quiet love? Personally, I prefer to express my feelings to my partners openly, but I will never force a girl, at the expense of our relationship, to come out. To burden her with the painful for each woman in love criticism: “…so you don’t love me enough…” Coming out in front of everyone is not a sign of love, the lack of it, or the strength of this love- it is social reflection and not an expression of feelings for me. I cannot think, in any case, that if she does not want to reveal herself, she is ashamed of her relationship with me or that this relationship bothers her. Actually, is there a Love that one can be ashamed of? What ever it is- declaration of your love is something wonderful, but it is not a necessary proof for the existence or the strength of this love!

Let me make very clear what my opinion is- the need to come out before relatives and friends has nothing to do with love! This is a decision that each person should take by herself and whenever she is ready to. Feelings have nothing to do with this decision, and the person should not be forced to do it. This is something one must not expect from her partner as a proof of love, because it isn’t a proof at all! And if this is the expectation, I personally find it as extortion or using the other person, and Love has nothing to do with either of those … Love is Love…Or it isn’t Love. We have to be able to understand the fears of our partner, to respect them as well as her feelings and needs.

You are in love. You create a relationship, and you have certain expectations for it. If these expectations do not fulfill partially or completely, you have to consider what is more important for you. Your love or your expectations.