Insulting and violent behavior in a relationship

I feel sad to admit this fact as I’d always wish that lesbian relationships were ideal, but oppression and violence, physical and emotional, are not a “privilege” to the heterosexual couples for a long time (if it was their “privilege” ever). Despite that women have the reputation of loving, compromising, correct, and well behaved individuals, we are also much inclined to mistreat the people who love us.
Recently, an acquaintance of mine who works in a serious center for protection of women from family violence shared with me an interesting data from a survey. A considerable percent of the interviewed, who were asked whether they have been subjected to family violence, responded that they were not sure. THEY ARE NOT SURE! The survey targeted heterosexual couples, but this makes me think what would be the situation for us…the lesbians.

Unquestionably, there are many levels of family violence so after the initial shock, I agreed that a woman might not be sure if she is subjected to such and how it can be determined. At the same time, this woman feels a great a deal of shame because of what happened to her. The self reproaching question “How did I allow for this to happen?” is followed by feelings of shame and guilt.
After you have realized that there are signs of family violence, you have to try remembering when you let this start. At the end, you have to forgive yourself and stop blaming yourself for the situation. Clearly, it is easy to say and difficult to do, but it is what you should do… But… before I start pushing you to fight with your shame and blame, let me discuss a little about what I have read in the books on family violence, its development and expressions… because many women are subjected to very interesting types of family violence…they’ve been ignored…or controlled….

Control:
The first step toward the possibility of entering such scenario is the moment when you let your partner take control over your life. Many women, purposefully and consciously, allow their partners to control their life because it is easier for them. And in fact, this is the trifle which marks the beginning of one negligent, at first sight, situation which consequently grows to cover the whole life of the woman…and become oppressive. Control over her life can have many different expressions which I would like to describe.

Control through Critique:
She makes me feel second hand and everything I do is wrong. What I do is never enough. She constantly makes me think that I don’t love her enough or that I hurt her feelings all the time. Even her compliments are ambiguous: “You haven’t looked so nice for a long time.” She ignores my insecurity as insignificant and she nags on me that I’m stupid to bother for things I don’t understand. She calls me names like: “whore,” “bitch,” or “scarecrow.” If I express an opinion with which she disagrees, she corrects me and says that I don’t understand anything. When we are around other people, I am strained because I always expect to be mocked or humiliated for something I say or do.

Control through making fusses, anger, or threat:
I fear her anger, if I am late for a date, even a little bit. She expects me to read her mind, to predict her wishes, and she looses control if I am not able to do that. I’m very tense because I don’t know which moment or what will make her angry. She gets enraged and stops talking to me if I say or do something she considers wrong. When she stops talking, she expects that I have to realize what exactly did I mess and to correct it. When she is depressed or angry for something, she expects me to understand and calm her down. She says that she will never let me leave her and if I try, she will do something horrible.

Control through protection and expression of concern:
She doesn’t like me to meet people and to be outside without her because she worries a lot for me. She gets jealous when I talk on the phone to someone, and she wants to listen. She calls often or leaves work only to check if I`m alright. She makes up all kinds of tasks for me so that I don`t have free time to go out. She doesn`t want me to work, and she wants to take care of me entirely. She chooses my clothes, she sends me and picks me up from work. She urges me to drink with her, so that both of us are drunk and we have the same vices.

Control through rejection of your emotionality:
She mocks me terribly and then she states that I’m too emotional and I don’t get her jokes. She breaks her promises and then she argues that she had not promised me anything. She makes scenes in front of people, blames me for nonexistent things and then, she finds the fault in me, she says that I have made her react like that. She constantly blames me for being over emotional, and says that I have to calm down a little bit. She states that I get things into my head. She hits me on the neck and laughingly asks me how I feel. She mocks me till I start crying and then she says that I am hysterical and she has no clue why I feel so disturbed. She tells me that she can help me correct the weaknesses of my character and makes a list of those and of my mistakes. When I want to talk seriously, she behaves as if I am upset for something and she wants to calm me, but not to listen.

Control through ignoring your needs and opinion:
She never helps in anything, even when I’m sick. She denies that she owes me whatever kind of help and says that I’m old enough to make it by myself. She expects me to quit on the second the work I’m doing if she needs my attention. She interrupts me when I talk, she distorts my words, and makes me repeat several times. She changes the topic and says that what I retell is not important at the moment. When I express an opinion or insist on something, she either does not responds or makes jokes.

Control through decision taking:
She always wants to have the last word. Even if we have decided on something, she does what she thinks. If I try to discuss the decisions she has taken for both of us without asking me, she says that I’m nagging on her. She argues that she doesn’t have to discuss some things with me because she knows what is best for us. She says that it is her responsibility to take decisions for us, and I can leave if it doesn’t fit me this way.

Control through financial means:
We leave together, and she doesn’t tell me how much she earns and how she spends her money, but I have to tell her about each cent that I spend. She spends a lot and then she blames me for not having enough money. She states that I have to cover her expenses because she is depressed and has no job. She sells some of my stuff because she needed money and I couldn’t be against.

Control trough keeping you responsible:
If I tell her that she is being bossy and overcritical toward me, she responds that she does that because I’m immature and need guidance. She blames me that I’m the reason for her drinking. She says that if I leave her she will commit suicide and the guilt will be mine. She blames me for her being fired from work, and for all her failures in life. She states that she has lost her firmness because of me.

Control through limiting contacts with other people:
She becomes hysteric when I offer to go out. She doesn’t allow me to spend time with friends, colleagues, not even with my parents, no matter whether I will be with or without her. She says that I don’t spend enough time with her, that I want to spend more time with other people than with her. Although she doesn’t say it, I feel that she doesn’t want me to go out anywhere without asking for her permission. She interrogates in detail where and with who I was, how I spend my time. She constantly blames me for flirting with other people. She insists that I don’t go to work by myself, and she deliberately protracts, so that I’m always late. If I talk to friends, she blames me for ignoring her.

Control through physical threats:
She locks the door, so that I cannot go out when we quarrel. When she is angry she swings her fists at my face to scare me. She breaks and throws different pieces of furniture, tears apart pictures and postcards, tears cloths and throws them out of the balcony. She doesn’t let me stay alone in a room, and doesn’t leave me sleep enough.

Control through sexual humiliation:
She makes me have sex in ways that I don’t like. She slips sexual jokes about me in front of other people and makes fun of our sex. She mocks my body’s shortcomings. She tries to hit on my friends and close people. She forces me to wear cloths which underline my shortcomings. She compares me with other women. She offers me to other men and women as an exchange coin.

Control through physical and sexual violence:
She throws stuff at me or pushes me to the wall when we quarrel. She hits or kicks me, forces me to make sex with other people or becomes violent when I don’t want to have sex with her.

That’s for now. Think about how many of these things sound familiar to you and exist in your relationship? How many of them are acceptable and tolerable? The responses to these questions as well as the decisions you will take…. are solely your responsibility….