I think I`m a lesbian because...

I am little confused about my sexual preferences, but I`m too young to explain them to myself...

Don't worry! Similar concerns are normal and widespread among girls. Especially during adolescence. In one case study among 13- 14 years old, only 25% of the interviewed girls responded that they were sure what Their sexual orientation was. The percentage among the 17 years old dropped to 5%. Most of the previously insecure 13- 14 years old had determined themselves as hetero-, bi-, or homosexual by the age of 17. Adolescence is a period of confusion. Everything inside you changes. Your body, hormonal system, thinking, world view, your attitude toward the surrounding environment. It is normal to ask yourself: ''How do my body changes compare to the changes in the bodies of other girls?'', ''Does my body change too quick or too slow?'', ''Why do I feel so strange?'', What are these new feelings I come to experience?'' It is normal to feel Confused when your body and feelings change in relation to sexuality. This period actually gives you a wonderful chance to realize on time that guys have nothing that can attract you physically and emotionally. And that you won't miss anything as you'd miss if you tried to find clarity in relations with men. It is normal to think a lot about sex and different types of sexualities and experiences in your adolescent years and to be tempted to plunge into the experiences that previously belonged only to the adult world. On the other hand, you will be very inexperienced and disoriented to manage all the situations you'll fall into. My advice is to wait for a while, observe the examples around you, gather experience and not to try to change the natural feelings developing inside you. Everything will fall into its own place very soon, and you'll only gain if you remain in harmony with your natural sexual predisposition. Don't force things in either direction. Do not accept opinions or stereotypes Forced on you by society. Your inner harmony and way of life are at stake, and you will be the one living with your own feelings. Society has forced stereotypes about relationships between the sexes, but people are not identical and the latter might not be suitable for you. For the most part, think that you must be in harmony with your own feelings.

I have the feeling that I'm attracted by other girls...

This is normal. You have to realize your own feelings and attraction. Why do you experience those? Where do they originate? Your feelings of attraction to other girls can mean many things and might have nothing to do with being a lesbian. What kind of girls do you like? What do you think and feel toward them? Those might seem like strange questions, but it will really help if you find the answers. Aren't you actually attracted to these girls just because you want to be popular like them? Or you simply think that they are better looking than you, have a more impressive individuality that actually attracts you to them? Or your attraction results from your desire to belong to their social circle and to have them as your friends? May be you find them more talented than yourself? Or you are convinced that girls accepts you more easily than boys? Answer to these questions for yourself. Find out what hides behind your attraction to girls. Don't rush to self- dermine as a lesbian because you might be wrong. Look at all other possibilities for your attraction to girls and if none of those suits and explains these feelings, think about the possibility of sexual and emotional attraction to your sex. It will help you a lot if there is someone whom you trust and can help you explain your feelings in their true light.
It is a hasty decision to determine yourself as a lesbian. Very often such step creates a big mess if you do it when you are too young. Until you grow up, try first and foremost to learn how to like and accept yourself as you are. It is very important, even vital for you to accept yourself. You are a person. You are as important and special as every human being. And as a person you represent much more than your sexual feelings. Believe in these words. You might be very lonely exactly because of these feelings, but this should not make you think that there is something wrong with you. Sometimes it is hard to find friends who love and respect you, but such friends would appear for sure, even in a moment when you hardly expect to find them. Anyhow... don't forget the most important! You should like yourself for who you are and if it happens that you are a lesbian, be proud of that! Many strong and respected women are lesbians!

Do I have to pretend that I do not have these feelings and to wait for them to fade away?...

To pretend that everything is OK is sometimes much easier than to face the problem. This attempt for escape has a temporary effect, though. In the long run, it is more important to admit your feelings and fears and to clarify the whole picture to yourself. You might not be a lesbian at all, just to imagine that you are such because someone has said something, you have read or heard some ideas about lesbians, something has happened or you just suppose something about yourself. For example, one girl might think that she is a lesbian because the others call her ''les,'' ''lesbo,'' or whatever else. She can think of herself as a lesbian because she is not attracted by boys at this stage, but she likes women's pictures in the magazines. Can these things make her a lesbian? No, in no case! There are many possible explanations. May be you feel attracted to girls only sometimes. In other words, you are physically and emotionally attracted to girls, but sometimes you also feel attraction to boys? Or may
be not? If you experience continuous and intransigent attraction toward girls you have to realize the following:
                    First - Whatever feelings of attraction you have, they do not change the fact that you are valuable mostly as a person. People should treat you with the same respect they have to every human being. At the same time given the fact that many people are aggressive toward lesbians, you should at first be more careful with whom you discuss your thoughts and feelings.
                    Second - Sexuality is fluids. Something happens - you don't know what - and a given person attracts you. Sexuality is changeable in some cases. You may not have these feelings and attraction tomorrow. You should also know that one or two relationships with men will not turn a lesbian into heterosexual. The opposite also holds true.
                    Third - The etiquette lesbian is imposed by others on us, the latter is not necessarily your personal definition. It is important to define yourself as such independently of the opinion of the others. If you are sure that you are a lesbian, do not be ashamed of this fact- lesbians are beautiful, valuable, and strong women. Remember that your identity is much more than your sexual feelings and behaviour and that everyone should treat you with respect.

The others call me ''lesbo,'' ''queer,'' ''lemon''...

All of us know how students are. In every school and in every class, there are some girls and boys who like to mock and humiliate others. This fact does not make it easier when the remarks point toward you, but you should take it into account in any case. Often, students use words which they've heard somewhere and don't even know the exact meanings. They only know that these words can insult. So, they just call you names, you are not such. By the way, even if you are, this should not represent an insult necessarily. It doesn't even mean that someone knows about you more than you about yourself. Name calling just intends to insult you. It is possible that these students are insecure in their own sexuality and try to look more confident by humiliating others. You might not fall within their criteria about how should look and behave a girl. Regardless of their reasons to call you names, such behaviour shows a deep misunderstanding of your situation and their unwillingness to treat you with respect. Name calling which aims to humiliate someone is unacceptable and inappropriate however you look at it. This is something that no self-respecting and secure person would do to others. I understand that you feel harmed when someone dislikes you and tries to insult you. You can't stop these people from calling you names, but you can't let their behaviour harm you and impact on your psychological well being. You know who you are, accept yourself, and believe that you are a capable and valuable person. And that's it!

Guys constantly hurt, reject, and attack me. They say that no one will ever want to show up with me...

I know that acceptance and popularity is important, especially at your age, and that it is very unpleasant to be rejected. When being disliked, it is natural to ask yourself: ''Why don't they like me? May be the reason is that guys actually find you attractive? Or you might be just too sensitive on this topic and thus feel their rejection unrealistically exaggerated? Or you may delude yourself that no guy will ever like you? By the way, I don't personally think it is a problem if they don't actually like you. Man is like the fox which claims that the grape he can't reach is sour.
But let us make something clear. No matter how you look, think, what are your interests, sexual orientation or whatever else, you should insist that people treat you with respect. You should ignore those who don't as individuals. In any case, they would not accept the fact that what matters to you is you personal qualities.
In addition, guys are not the people who determine the extent of your qualities as a woman and as a person. In the end, you are still growing up, and no one can make cardinal conclusions about your appearance, especially immature guys. Some parts of your personality are already determined, but there are many others which you are to develop and you'll make your choice about them in the future. Remember, you don't have to fullfill the expectations of others by any means. Be yourself. It is important to remember that the boy or group of them which try to insult you do not represent all boys around the world. You will meet many people in the future, and I guarantee you that lots of them will accept and understand you completely. You don't have to hate all guys just because some of them treat you badly. It has been claimed (unproven though) that there are men who treat women with respect and will accept you as the valuable person that you are and will be. Be careful about the sexual part. Don't ever trust a person who says something of the sort: ''If you really like me and want me to like you too, you have to make sex with me.'' These are manipulations and ill- meant attempts to play upon your natural desire and aspiration to be accepted and liked. Don't betray your body and self- esteem only because of several fleeting moments of acceptance. We don't talk about acceptance of your body, right! We talk about your inner beauty, your sense of humour and personal qualities, your thoughts and skills...
Part of your transition to womanhood is just about discovering yourself and your qualities, about realizing your potential as a person and as a woman. This isn't an easy way, but every person goes through it. Thus, your friends are those who will support you along the path of your personal development and will accept you now when you need them. Guys grow slower than girls, mentally and physically. They are still kids when you are going along the way to womanhood. Be sure that soon you won't be interested in them because of their immaturity. They will try to gain your attention and admiration, on the other hand.

I don't like the same things (cloths, hairstyles, jewellery, singers, artists, and so on) that other girls do...

There are girls who like blue nail polish or red hair. Others don't like blue polish and red hair, but like baggy jeans and skating. Every person has preferences, and those are very, very individual. Your interests depend on who and what you are, what you like and dislike, on the opportunities you have or don't have, on the support, strength, courage you have...on your upbringing, on the environment where you grew up, and on many other things. This is true for every girl. Most often, your interests and preferences depend on your parents and siblings, on what they like or accept, what their topics of conversation are, what books and magazines they read, what are their hobbies and interests. It is possible that your family does not discuss some issues, or that your mom does not live with you. It is possible that you've spent more time with your father than other girls, or you may come from religious family or....Lots of things are possible, and all of them influence your tastes and your world view. There is nothing wrong, incorrect, or bothering in the fact that you have different tastes and like different things than the other girls. And it is condemnable to call you names just because you have different tastes and preferences. Human beings have a very large pool of interests. Most adolescent individuals are influenced by the interests of their social circle but as time passes by, each person develops distinct set of preferences. For example if you go to an university, you'll meet many girls who study in different fields. And this is normal. When we are young, the pressure to appear uniform in order to be accepted is very strong. And you know that every young girl would like to be perfect... But this uniformity in tastes and preferences has no value and worth. Valuable and important are your talents and personal qualities. Women grow up to be doctors, managers, actresses and singers, mothers, social workers, engineers, pilots, models, you name it... and all of them have different interests and tastes which have nothing to do with the preferences they have had in their adolescent years.

The other girls talk about boys and sex all the time, and i`m simply not interested in these matters...

That's possible...some girls might be much more familiar with sexual matters than YOU...or they might think that they are familiar. Girl talk and reality are two different things. Anyhow. You don't have to worry if you are not interested in sex. Your curiosity might be turned to other activities now. Sport, for example...or you writing poetry...or you are enjoying life as it is...without engaging your senses in anything concrete. Sex can wait, you'll have enough time for it later on.

I know I have time as I'm 13 now, but what if I'm not interested in sex when I turn 17...

Then, you'll be lucky in some sense. You won't be a child any more, you'll carry some of the responsibilities of the adult people and enjoy some of the privileges, but you'll be too young to bother about sex. You'll have too many other priorities in your life. And there would be ample interesting ways in which to spend your time. So, it won't be surprising or bothering if you are not interested in sex. The whole life and world are ahead of you. You are up to important decisions about your education and career. You have to think of vocational realization and many other concerns which relate to the near future. And you'll find out how you have more time for sex in moments when you manage with all these tasks.

I had a sexual experience with a girl once, and I was really turned on. I think this wouldn't happen if I was not a lesbian...

Single happenings of the kind..or single attempts do not automatically mean that you are a lesbian. These may be a part of your transition to adulthood in which you experiment and try different things. You are discovering the reactions of your body...you are playing on your fantasies. The fact that you were turned on does not say absolutely anything about your sexuality. Anything sexual can turn a young girl on. Your body does not know whether a girl or a boy is touching you, it just reacts. Everyone can ignite a car, if she has the keys and reaches the pedals. The car doesn't know whether this person is the owner or not-once the key fits in the right space, the engine starts. It is the same way with your body...it just reacts on the pleasure of the touch. There is something else - many girls in your situation have the need to prove that they are not lesbians and rush into sexual experiences with guys. This is so wrong! Don't do it in any case! It won't help, and it can seriously harm you! There is nothing disturbing or unnatural in the fact that you have found a physical contact with a woman pleasurable. It is really exciting and interesting to be a lesbian. Just enjoy yourself.

I look at the women in the ladies room and the dressing rooms...

Many girls compare their bodies with those of other girls. This practice does not make you a lesbian. Many girls are concerned whether their body transforms properly and seek comparisons with their coeds. The easiest way to do it is in the bathroom or under the showers. Every girl's body changes in a different way. And this is OK. It is possible that you are a very beautiful girl and then everything is alright. But if you are not, don't forget that your outlook does not make you an inferior person. The bust size does not determine whether you are or are not a real woman. Who you are deep inside you and who you'll become is all that matters. Whether you are a person one can trust and if you keep your word...whether you know and accept yourself...whether you are respectful person...these issues are important. ''The valuable is invisible for the eyes'' has said the Little Prince. You don't have to be jealous of other girls` traits. To be a woman brings you personal and human value, it doesn't mean looks only. Accept your body as it is, and pay more attention to your personality traits. Discover the woman inside of you, not her outlook. If you despite have serious and obvious problems in your body transformation, look for a doctor's help. And if your body develops alright- then you are OK. But also answer to yourself the question what do you feel when you look at other girls` bodies? Do you feel thrilled, excited, aroused? Do you want them to look at your body? Do you vividly remember what you have seen?

I find women's pictures in magazines attractive, does that mean that I'm a lesbian...

There are all kinds of pictures. If those are nude pictures, or women in bathing suits, underwear, you have to ask yourself- ''What does actually attract me?'' Is it their charm and beauty which you'd like to possess? Is there a grain of jealousy in your feelings toward them? Or physical arousal? Do you compare your body with theirs? Do you imagine your body close to theirs? To find women's pictures attractive does not make you a lesbian (But I cannot stop myself from saying that this is a good beginning).

I had experienced sexual violence, and now I think that I am a lesbian because I hate men...

Violence is a horrible experience. For every woman. Not to talk about a girl your age. It takes strength and courage to admit that you had such an experience and to retell what has happened to you. When a girl has been sexually molested by a man, this happening is a reason adequate enough to say: ''Men are such pigs! I don't want to have anything with them.'' I also think they are pigs as a whole, but some people say that there are still men who treat women respectfully. Often, such an experience can create psychological problems which prevent women from having sexual pleasure in intercourse with men, or they might feel insecure around men in general. This does not make you a lesbian, though. The fact that something scares or repulses you does not automatically mean that something else attracts you. If you are a lesbian, be such because women attract you, not because men repulse you. Believe me, men repulse in a much greater extent the heterosexual women.

I tried to have sex with a guy and it was a complete failure...

There are many reasons why sex with men may happen to be a failure. Not only the fact that you are a lesbian or you were a victim of sexual violence. For example, this may be your first..or one of your first sexual experiences with a guy, there is a real possibility that this is the reason for the failure. Almost as an axiom, the first sexual contacts with men are failure for girls. This is like playing a computer game for the first time- it is natural to fail the first couple of times. You need more time to learn something well, even if this something is the widely commented sex. There are other reasons as well...whether you have been psychologically prepared for this experience. Whether you were nervous... where it happened...what were the circumstances, did you really like this guy or you did it just for the sake of trying what it was...were you in a hurry...and many other factors, which could possibly influence. Sex works best between people who know each other well, who love each other, and have things in common that connect them. If those are missing, it is not surprising that your sexual experience was a failure. The sexual relationship is something very delicate and tender, and you have to learn it from now. The sexual relationship is really something which has to exist between people who are close and have things in common that connect them outside the bedroom.

I really want another woman who takes care of me, loves me, and spends her days and nights with me...

Well, yes, this makes you a lesbian more, but there are still questions awaiting for your response. What do you really look for in women? Do you expect....or hope that there will be a perspective for such a relationship? Do you look for physical closeness or you just need more tenderness, love, caring attitude? Do you look for support, empathy, help in a relationship with a woman? If the answers are yes...I think you are really a lesbian...

I don't know what more to write at the end. May be that to be a lesbian is not only a social status, but also social statement of being yourself. This is another topic though. Anyway- remember that there is nothing unnatural, shameful, unhealthy, abnormal, or whatever else, to be a lesbian. It is important what person you are, what human and moral qualities you carry. And you should insist that your friends and the whole society judge you not according to your sexuality, but according your personal qualities. You are a young girl, and I think that you should not waste time and energy in worrying about your sexual orientation and sexual life. Things will come on their places. Direct your energy in two important things for you. Your self- acceptance and growing up as a strong and respectful person. You have a hard time ahead. Good luck!