The homophobia inside


	The homophobia inside
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The Homophobia.
All of us have heard this word describing the hatred against homosexuality, but how many of the lesbians realize that homophobia lives inside many of us? Does it still live inside you?

Since early age we have been penetrated by the morality of the heterosexist society which despises the different people and awards conformity. And it doesn`t matter how much the family loves us or how friendly our surroundings are, society as a whole- family, school, the media, friends, acquaintances, relatives, religion, etc. – sends us our whole lifes the persistent message: BE AS EVERYONE – BE HETEROSEXUAL!
    - The movies, television, the radio praise and advertise heterosexuality.
    - The fairytales, songs, and poems praise and advertise heterosexuality.
    - The magazines, newspapers, and books praise and advertise heterosexuality.
    - The schools, universities, and the church praise and advertise heterosexuality.
Whichever direction you turn to, the message is out there: men are for women and women are for men. That`s it...

Penetrated by this breaking intolerance toward people like us, many lesbians develop the so called “homophobia inside” which to a great extent impedes self-acceptance and feeling of comfort with who and what we actually are. The expressions of this homophobia are various, but I will try to reflect more generally on the two most important things in my opinion.

Not admitting your lesbian feelings
“…I don`t know how to begin in explaining my situation in emotional plan. I have felt attraction to several women in my life but none of them was a lesbian, and so I could not discover what I exactly felt for them. Honestly, I`ve never admitted to anyone that I have been attracted to women. I don`t want to keep this attraction deeply locked in myself, but I don`t know what to do to express it…”
I ask myself, why so many girls realize that they wanna shout their feelings when they are married and have given away their beauty and youth to men, having lost their fresh airs and looking desperately for their personal piece of happiness which life owes them. And why are we surprised that many women don`t want to hear their inner voice which whispers their desire for intimacy with a woman and to admit to themselves this fact only in late their lifes…? This sounds like a criticism….it is actually such!
Because… in fact, age doesn`t matter. The more important thing is how many of us…even the most courageous ones gather the strength to stand up to be what they want or need to be! Very few! Very few women gather the courage! I`ve heard so many times the sentence: “I`m not a lesbian! I just happened to fall in love with this woman incidentally, but I`m not attracted to women in general!” – Yeah, right! You lesbian…you are not!...I`m being sarcastic…
The signs of the homophobia inside can be very subtle. And the ways in which we can fight it are very limited. But one of the first things that each of us has to do is to discover and admit the presence of the homophobia inside. Let us ask ourselves- is there something which hints us that we can be lesbians in our minds and souls? Is there a sign of shame in ourselves when thinking of this word, even for a minute? Because admitting the presence of homophobia inside is the first step toward managing with this problem.

Feeling uncomfortable to be sexually intimate
“…My problem is that I find great difficulties related to the sexual part of our relationship. When I drink some alcohol, things change, but I don`t like to drink often, and it makes me angry that this is the only way to be intimate with her. This makes me very confused. She is a beautiful womanand a wonderful person. I just adore her, but…”
Many women hear this inner voice which drives them… or let us call it - this inner necessity for another woman…only after many wanderings and many self-analyses. But even when they realize and admit to themselves this inner necessity, the fight against these feelings, against their inner fears is most often lost because of falling into endless and detailed checks of the feelings, explained most often as “just to make sure.” Most women don`t want to admit to themselves and to accept fully their lesbian feelings, urges, and desires, insisting that they cannot be sure about their sexual orientation before they`ve gone through their first lesbian relationship. They claim that they are not lesbians as they haven`t had a lesbian relationship. This is also a sign of the homophobia inside. I suspect that many women will smile to these words of mine, but at least agree with me that in heterosexual relations, no woman would need a sexual experience with a man in order to admit her heterosexuality. Otherwise we would have conversed kinda this way: “Yesterday, I had my first sexual experience and I understood that I was (wasn`t) heterosexual” or “I`m still a virgin and I don`t know what my sexuality is.” I`d repeat it… “lesbian” means Love and not sex… There are many women who can feel pleasure from sex with a woman only after all their moral inhibitions and torments have gone away. Unfortunately, pleasure from sex is often achieved after taking alcohol and drugs instead through self-acceptance as in the above described case. Let us leave aside the obvious fact that all these chemicals are dangerous for our body, then even in achieving the intended effect, the benefits are minimal if any. After the influence
of alcohol or whatever chemistry wither, all our inhibitions and torments come back in their fullest, but they are now accompanied with feelings of shame and guilt.

Overcoming the homophobia inside
The only way to overcome this problem is to eliminate the fear. There is a great variety of fears inside us and therefore, variety of ways in which each of us can overcome our fears. In all cases, we have to start feeling more comfortable and at the right place in a homosexual environment. Not to shrink guiltily when you notice two women flirting with one another. In this relation, Internet can help you big time… chats, mailing lists, clubs. Also, you can turn to LGBT organizations…helping even a little bit in their activities, you might feel a part of this community, to be proud that you have contributed, and to meet many girls like you. Taking, little at a first glance, steps in this direction, toward your acclimatization in this community and toward acceptance of your identity will help you manage in overcoming the homophobia inside. You will start walking on the streets as a proud woman who looks people in the eyes instead their shadows in the puddles!