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“…I don’t think I am obliged to tell people the fact that I am a
lesbian if that doesn’t bother me. But if I
feel the necessity to share with
someone, I have accepted the thought that I would get many different
reactions from
people…”
“…Share with someone only
if you are sure that you ready and have enough courage to face whatever
happens afterwards. It is best to share it
only after you cannot manage keeping this secret anymore.
If you think that your family will not accept you, share with someone who is less
partial…”
“…When I told two of my friends, I
defended myself with the explanation that I am no different from
what I was five minutes
before sharing with them. The difference was that I did not hide my secret
from them anymore. This was a more honest friendship attitude on my
part!...”
Whether and to what extent you will come out is a decision which
depends on how much you accept yourself as a lesbian and on how much you can be
open and honest about your sexual orientation. Unfortunately, not all
your friends and relatives will be happy about you being a lesbian. It is
difficult to estimate who exactly will be able to accept this information
normally and who will give you support.
Some may distance themselves
from you or reveal your secret to a third party. Others can even make fun of
you. A difficult decision is also whether to share  this fact with one’s
family. Some families may show understanding and up- to -date thinking
and give their support. But many families may turn their backs to the
lesbian when they understand about her sexuality. The choice and decision are
difficult, but it is very important to find someone whom you can talk
to and who will understand and support you. It is not normal or healthy for a girl to keep in secret such an
important part of her life. The negative signals that we get about homosexuality
can scare and hurt us. They can look like a wall which cannot be penetrated
and overcome It is clear that being a lesbian in our society is a difficult thing. The best way to fight your fears is to learn to like
yourself as you are and to feel comfortable about your sexuality. Namely,
your ability to like yourself will give you the strength to manage the
hardships which you’ll face in your life path. Don’t forget that often
we are the people who put stumbling blocks in front of our own selves. We
are the severest critics of ourselves. Learning to like yourself, even the
part that some people do not accept (because not all people will be against you) is the key toward managing with difficulties. It is very
important to remember that! How can you expect that people will accept
you as you are if you don’t accept yourself?! If you are confident and you
like yourself, your journey toward the truth will become smoother. In
one slow but secure way some women like us transform society and the rules
valid for it. I FEEL SO
LONELEY! WHOM CAN I TALK TO?
I feel so lonely! Whom can I talk to? If you feel lonely, it means that you are lonely- it is not necessary
to feel like that. There are many people out there whom you can talk to
and get support. Even if the family of the young girl shows some understanding, many parents feel guilty and ashamed to talk about their
sexual experience, no matter if they are hetero or homosexual. By the
way, many adults also have doubts about their sexuality, so it is natural
that a young girl has them. On the top of that, it is not easy to discover
that you are a lesbian. Prejudices ingrained in society can make you hide
the feelings you have even from yourself. And this can make you feel lonely
and isolated. The best thing you can do is to find someone you trust
and with whom you can talk. This person can be one you know - a friend, a
brother or a sister, a family friend… he or she can be older than you,
whom you have shared your secrets before, and whom you are sure you can
trust again. But in this very moment, when you feel confused and you have not come
into terms with your own self, you should rather avoid revealing your secret
to people who you suspect to be prejudiced toward homosexuals and will
judge you. Ask, for example, the following question: “I watched a TV show
about homosexuals. Do you know anyone who is homosexual?” or “In school some
kids made fun of a boy because he was gay in their eyes. Do you think
this is normal attitude?” or “I heard that one guy in our school was gay and
his parents expelled him from home. What will he do now?” – but your
questions should be directed toward the homosexuality of the other
sex - otherwise they might start guessing about you. So if you pose questions
about gays, you can imagine that the reaction and the comments would
not be directed toward you. They won’t understand the real goal of your
questioning (unless you ask too many questions). They can have a negative
opinion about those unknown people you talk about, but they may react
differently if the person in question was you - so this method is not a
100% sure. If there is no one you can talk to, confide, and receive support, I would advice you to try out in Internet. The advantage of
Internet is that the web space guarantees that you are anonymous, and
there is no way someone can misuse the information, unless you reveal
yourself too much. Whatever your choice is - it really helps to talk to
someone…besides, you’ll find out that you are not lonely and the only
one. SHOULD I COME OUT?
Only if you really want it, and you are ready to come out. Don’t make
it just because somebody else thinks that you have to do it. The decision
about when, to whom, and whether at all to come out should be yours,
you should not make it out of the influence of another person. If you think
that you are ready, you can share with one friend, your best friend for
example, or with a small circle of people- say, your family, or with
all people you know. Everything depends on you. There is no reason to come
out if you are not ready. This can even hurt you. In some rare cases, there
is even a good reason not to come out. You may live in a place or within a
circle of people who will not accept your sexuality and will hurt you
badly. Those may be even your parents or friends, your school mates or
colleagues, your teachers, or just people you love or are financially
dependent on. Then, you should not come out. But there are also good
reasons to come out. Hiding your sexuality, you prevent other people
from getting to know a considerable part of your identity. It is always hard
to hide such an important thing. This can reflect upon yourself and your
psyche. Besides while hiding, you’ll have difficulty in having a healthy
sexual life and maintaining social contacts which are natural for you.
Actually, I know many lesbians who claim in accord that the loneliness
and isolation they have experienced while hiding are much more horrible
than the insults and attacks after coming out. Whatever the reason for
making a decision, remember that this decision is yours and you should not allow
anyone to influence you. Because the consequences of this decision will
also be for you. But before coming out to the others, you have to come
to terms with yourself. This does not mean only knowing that you are a
lesbian, but also feeling good by the thought that you are one. You must
be clear with what person you are. Remember that homosexuality is just
a part of you: discovering your homosexual orientation does not change
you, and you are the same person you have always been. It is very important
to learn to think about yourself: “I am a lesbian and there is nothing
wrong in that!” It is also better to learn more about lesbians and
homosexuality before coming out because if you expect to learn from people who are
not, you will receive a wrong feedback. You will feel better if you come out
and someone poses you a question to which you can respond with sound
arguments; or you can correct someone’s misunderstandings about homosexuality. For this, it can help if you talk to women like you. In
this way, you will understand what difficulties you can expect to face
when you come out. Warn your lesbian friends and acquaintances, if you
have such, that you are ready to come out- then, you can expect to count
on their support and advices. This type of support is really necessary
when you come out. You’ll need friends who care about you, and who’ll
be next to you when you need to talk to someone, they’ll make jokes and
try to make you laugh when you need a beam of light, and they’ll be able to
give you a shelter, if God forbid, you need one. TO
WHOM CAN I COME OUT?
Initially, you can come out to those you’d like to know. To come out is
not a one time act after which everything ends. You can tell your family
now, for example, and your friends some time in the future or visa versa,
it’s up to you. Anyhow, your whole life you’ll meet people to whom you
have tell at some point of your relationship. Appraise carefully what
you risk and what you can loose- is there a chance that your parents expel
you from home…if we talk about your friends- is there a possibility that
they get repulsed by this fact…whether they will reveal your secret in your
school? What will you do if they reveal it? Think also what you will
loose if you don’t tell anyone. Will you feel tension in your relationship to
your parents and friends because of the secret you are hiding in yourself?
Will your revelation get you close to one another, will you get enough
support from them; if they understand from someone else, and you haven’t
shown enough trust, will you share with them? Remember the things you’ve
 shared with them in the past and how they have reacted to them. Try to
check their reactions while discussing a movie or a book treating lesbian
problems and relations. See what their attitude is, how they react. Bear
in mind that a person can react differently to homosexuality in general
than upon realizing that a close person is homosexual. For example, you
can watch a movie with parents and friends and they can react jokingly or mockingly to lesbian characters, but this attitude can be just the one
they think you expect from them. They can show much greater empathy and
understanding when you come out. On the other hand, parents and friends
who do not deprecate homosexuality in general may be less inclined to
react with understanding and positive attitude if it comes to a close
person. In my opinion in order to understand most accurately the attitude
of someone toward homosexuality and his or her eventual reaction to you
being a lesbian, try to pose to this person questions which are concrete,
personal, and provocative. Tell that you have a friend whose older sister
is a lesbian and that you wonder how her parents and friends accept that.
Ask directly this person how he or she would react if there was a homosexual in his family. I cannot think of anything better. I
THINK I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU...
Telling others about your sexuality is not a prerequisite for you feeling
happy with your sexuality. The golden rule here is: WAIT UNTIL YOU
ARE SURE YOU ARE READY FOR THAT!!!
There are many different ways to tell the people around you, depending on who these people are. You can begin
with those for whom you guess will react positively. To come out in front of
a lesbian you know is the best start J
Here are some advices you can follow:
- Make sure that your safety is assured before you come out.
- Prepare to answer questions about your sexuality. Prepare answers to
questions as “Are you sure?” “How do you know - have you been with
another woman?” “Don’t you think this is wrong?” and others of the sort. Humor
is often a good way to avoid responding. For example if some woman asks
you “Are you sure?” you can respond with the question “And are you sure you
are hetero?”
- Make sure that you have support. If you get negative reaction to your
revelation, it is good to have a close person with whom you can share
your disappointment and anger.
- Prepare psychologically for a tough reaction, lack of trust in your
words, derision, or shock.
- Choose the moment. Make sure that the person with whom you’ll share
is not going through a personal crisis or stressful period of his or her
life. I don’t advise you to share during the weekend or on holidays
because people are getting stressed then…though this is a “pleasant
stress”
- If you think that this would help, prepare the turf by saying
something of the sort: “I have one secret which is important for me, and I want
to reveal it to you, but I’m not sure when and how to do it!” or
“I have something to tell you, and it is important for me to share it with
someone who will try to understand me!” In many cases, this will be enough for
your friend to guess what your secret is, but she won’t be sure and
this will help you feel her eventual reaction and attitude. There are some specifics about how to come out to your parents. And
I strongly recommend and even demand that you continue reading this page
to the bottom because I think that there is very helpful information
out there. WHEN AND HOW
TO TELL MY PARENTS?
The shortest answer is: When you are ready, and you have carefully picked
up the moment. Many lesbians have told me that their relationship with their parents
has become much closer after coming out because they were more open and
secrets lacked. But this is not always the case. Others have been subjected to violence, expelled from home, ignored, insulted.
Sometimes, the situation turns into a family tragedy. You are the person who can
estimate the reaction best. But let me give you couple of advices:
- Appraise your parents` attitude toward homosexuality. Look at their
reactions and ask indirect questions. Do they have friends who are homosexuals? Are they religious and does this impact on their attitude
toward homosexuality? Do they watch movies or read books on the topic
and if yes, what is their opinion? Have you heard them saying that there is
nothing wrong in homosexuality or they find it repulsive?
- Evaluate your relations with your parents. Did they show love to you
even when you’ve disappointed them? Do they love you even when you’ve
done something wrong or things they disliked?
- Be prepared. If it happens that you should leave home, you should
have a place to stay. If you are financially dependent on your parents and
they stop supporting you, are you ready to support yourself?
If the answers to these questions are “no”- then don’t come out until
you have a place to stay and resources to support yourself. Better wait
until you are independent from them. It is possible that you decide to never
tell them because they will not understand. Not all parents can accept
a lesbian daughter.
If the responses are “yes”, then it seems safe to tell them. You are
the only person who can decide and estimate what is the balance between all
“pros” and “cons.”
If your decision is that you can and want to tell
your parents, then think how you can do it in the most acceptable form for
your parents. Try to imagine the feelings they will experience and show
understanding on your part. Think of the questions they can ask you and
the possible answers you can give them. Be ready with your responses and reactions to all kinds of possible
questions and comments. In such situation, the shock is 100% sure, and
many parents react and talk inadequately. Don’t react hysterically,
rudely, or show that you are insulted. BE
PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING! It will be easiest for you if you pick a moment when you are calm and the
relations in your family are perfect. Don’t pick a moment when you
parents are tired from work, have personal problems or work overload. You must
have enough time so that you lead the conversation in a relaxed environment.
Your parents might need time to accept this new reality the same way you needed time to accept your sexuality. If the atmosphere is
strained, they may not believe you, to treat the matter without the due
seriousness, or to advise you to look for psychiatric assistance. According to the psychologists, sexologists, and psychiatrists, many
parents do not realize that homosexuality is a natural condition, and they
accept it as their personal failure as parents. This can disappoint or
anger them a lot. You have to be ready with arguments and facts which
prove that homosexuality is a natural state and has nothing to do with
upbringing. Your parents might even accept your homosexuality as a way to
discard their love and care. This always happens when the children in one
family grow up and decide to follow their own, independent path. And if
this strive for independence reflects in the homosexual orientation of the
daughter - many parents feel even more rejected. Even if your parents don’t
feel this way, they will be concerned about you. They would worry whether
your homosexuality won’t put you in danger, whether you’ll be able to have
a family… They may also worry how their relatives and friends will react.
In this way, you will make them face almost the same process of
revelation which you’ve gone through. It is important that you are ready with the
responses of all kinds of questions. One more thing I should mention: It is not necessary to come out to
both of your parents. Many girls first talk to the parent whom they expect
to receive greater understanding. Sometimes, they use this parent as a
mediator who would help while sharing to the other. This can become problematic though. Hiding from the other, you show lack of trust and
this can create tension and a different reaction. On his or her own part,
the parent whom you told is forced to keep a secret from the other and this
can create tension and mistrust between them. Bear in mind these things
if you decide to tell only one of the parents.
Before you talk to your parents, think about another person you can share
with in case you get rejected by your family. Even if your parents accept
and understand you, it’s always useful to have such person around. For
you, the more support you can get the better! Important:
Read the writing about coming out to parents for more
information.
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