Кога и как да се разкрия?

When and how?
So… you have finally made sure that you are not crazy, ill or confused, and you have decided to come out. But how to do that? Coming out is something very personal and individual for different people. You are the only person who can make a decision about the most appropriate time and moment for this step. For some women, it takes half of their life to come out; others never succeed to do it. But there is hope for all. There are moments in the lifes of all of us which can change the circumstances, light the fire inside, transform our thinking, and incline toward coming out.

Some will travel only part of the way in this “journey toward their inner self” if I can name it like that, others will progress slowly and painfully, and still others will make it with one single jump. This is normal. In all of us, there are different "devils" and every woman has different needs and desires. But whatever our path is - easy or painful, each woman who has once felt the mind - shaking taste of freedom and has started the journey would hardly stop.

The first step is to come out to yourself. And you cannot avoid or go around this step. I don’t mean to only admit that you are a lesbian; you have to also accept this fact, believe in it, and know very well what it means to you. Before even think to coming out in front of others, you have to realize who and what you are. If you do that, you won’t be ashamed of your homosexuality. You must not consider coming out before you have accepted yourself as you are and you are confident that what you are is normal. This is the first step. If you realize for yourself that you are a wonderful, normal, and natural individual, the others could not help it, but continue to love and respect you for what you are as a person rather than judging the newly discovered sexuality of yours. And this will give you courage to go on.

· The second step is to tell your closest friends and you have to undertake it right after you gather enough courage to speak to friends you trust entirely. This is a serious step and if you do it, there is no going back. This will also be a test for you and what you can expect. You have to carefully pick up the friends to whom you’ll come out, and they have to be people whom you totally trust and who have proved their loyalty to you. You’ll see that your friends will get this news with vivid curiosity and interest; they will not start avoiding you but will continue to accept you as the person who you are and who they’ve known unconditionally. One reason for this is that coming out does not change you but makes you more open and honest in your relations. Think about how you will react if a close male friend of yours shares with you that he is gay. For you he would remain the same friend you have known, the only change would be that you have an additional topic for conversation. He would be the same person with whom you made friends because he is he and you did not become his friend for his heterosexuality. This will be the attitude of your friends toward you. And all of you will feel more comfortable together. And if you loose a friend because you are a lesbian… oh, well…this only means that the person in question has not been a real friend- he or she has not appreciated your personality but your vagina and the way you use it. So, the loss will not be on your part, on the first place. In fact, there is another moment…you would be able to be a more honest friend to the people you associate with. In friendship between two people, there is a very special and important connection which holds them together, and if you want to be a real friend, you cannot attain it while one so important and essential part of you is hidden. You cannot be a real friend if you are not entirely open and honest with the people close to you. You should be able to confide to your friends, and if they are such, you should be able to expect that they would understand you….if they don’t accept and understand you… what kind of friendship are we talking about?!

· Coming out to parents and relatives is the next important step and for most lesbians, this step is the hardest. Those are namely the people whom we love so much, that the alternative to be ourselves while hurting them drives many of us to prefer living in a bog of lies. Parents are actually those who mainly force us to pretend that we are not lesbians and whose reaction to coming out makes us less confident in doing it. You may hear questions of the sort…. "Are you sure?"; "Who made that to you?"; "What does this mean?"; "How do you know?"; Just have in mind… that they may have a very distorted idea of what it means to be a lesbian, and you have to be ready to hear all kinds of questions and to give all kinds of answers. Parents can take the news in many different ways. They can accept this as their personal failure as parents… to think that they did not take a good care of you or did not pay you enough attention; that they did not give you a good example and even that this is an attempt of yours to punish them for something they have done to you. It will take them time to realize what you are talking about, to think about it carefully, to get used to this fact, and to accept it. You have to give them this time. Don’t look for immediate understanding and acceptance. After the period of initial shock fades away, they will most probably continue to love you as before just because you are their daughter. If your family is good and your parents are intelligent enough, your relationship will inadvertently improve; you will become closer than before and they will respect you for your courage and sincerity. In any case, you have to explain them why it is important for you to come out. Tell them that they are not guilty for you being as you are. And explain to them how much you need their love and support in this moment and that you will always need them. One good way to do that is with a letter, and I always give this advice to girls who have decided tomake this step.Here it is one nice paragraph of such letter:

“I do not come out as a lesbian to shock or scare people.
  For me, this is one personal battle that I win over my own fears, and out of my desire to accept myself as I am and to continue my life as an honest and open person. Often, the families of girls like me accept the act of coming out as a personal insult to the close people, as a direct attack of their capabilities as parents
  This is not true. I just want to continue to be loved by my family, and the fear to loose this love makes me unconfident and scared. Some young lesbians like me prefer to commit suicide rather than take the risk to ensure themselves that there is love for them as well.
  Thus for me, this is the way to tell you that I love you, that I hope you still love me, and that I hope somehow to convince you why for me it is necessary to tell you what I feel deep down in my heart and soul. I am a lesbian. I don’t know why, it is just the way I am.
  Please, do not deprive me of your love. I really need you.”

· You have finally managed to come to yourself, friends, and family; now, the moment comes when you don’t have to hide your sexuality in front of anyone. Acquaintances, colleagues, co-students will know you as you are. You would have realized that your sexuality is just a part of your identity and this would not prevent you from having real friends, that it will not obstruct your relations with your relatives…i.e. there will be no reason to hide your essence from anyone and pretend to be someone you are not. You should not parade with your sexuality and push it in the faces of people. But if someone directly asks you whether you are a lesbian, it will be much easier for you to say “yes.” If you are in love, you will not have scruples to share with others that you are happy with your love.