shock - denial - guilt - expression of feelings...

SHOCK

(If they have no clue about you)
The possibility to expect shock is quite high if your parents don`t even suspect what your sexuality is and have no idea what you want to tell them. The duration of this shock can very from 10 minutes to a week. Most often it takes two – three days. Shock is a natural reaction for all of us in certain moments, and shock is actually necessary for people in order to cope with negative experiences in their lifes. So, don`t worry if your parents do get shocked. Wait till it fades away. Explain them that you did not like to hide such an important part of you and that you felt unhappy because of the distance which this secret created between you. Express your love to them. Repeat that you love them all the time. Even if they don`t respond to your feelings, when their shock fades away and they think about your revelation, the feelings expressed by you will matter a lot. Also repeat that you are the same person as yesterday “You loved me yesterday when you did not know about me, and I haven`t changed since then. I`m the same girl today as yesterday, it is just that I don`t have secrets anymore and this fills me with joy!”

(If they know or suspect)
Usually in these cases, the parents will not undergo shock at all: “We have always known that you were different in many aspects. No problem - we love you. But you need to help us understand and accept this reality.” This is the ideal case. Or they can tell you: “We knew it for a long time. We read one letter which you left on your desk and we waited for you to tell us.” In these cases, things will be very easy for you because they have traveled part of the way to acceptance and understanding of your sexuality.

DENIAL

(Defense from a threat)
Denial helps people defend themselves against something which they consider threatening or hurtful the same way as shock does. But there is a difference between denial and shock. Denial means that the person has got the message, and now he or she tries to defend against and encapsulate from what he or she heard. Denial has many different expressions:
   -hostility (“My daughter cannot be a lesbian!”)
   -lack of acceptance (“This is nonsense dear, what do you want for dinner?”)
   -lack of interest ("If you have chosen this lifestyle I don`t wanna hear about it!”)
   -or refusal to accept the facts (“This attraction to women is only temporary! It will fade away!”)

Their idea about your sexuality will be destroyed by your revelation and by the engrained homophobic images in society. The form in which their denial takes may vary from totally calm reaction to hysterical cries. Parents may need your help to change their views of what is “normal.” You can help by explaining that though homosexuality does not fall within their ideas of normal, for you, homosexuality is normal and natural. Compare it to the fact that most people write with their right hand, but there are also left- handed people. Or that most people have about the same eye color, but there are people with differently colored eyes. And even if your sexuality does not fall within the conventional norms, it is accepted as normal. If they refuse to accept your sexuality: “I don`t want to talk about that”, wait for a week, and carefully and cautiously take up the initiative again. “Mom and Dad, I`ve waited for a long time to share this with you and it wasn`t easy for me. Please, don`t ignore me! I couldn`t hide it anymore cause I`m not used to keeping secrets from you. I love you I wish that you still love me.” Try to penetrate their defense wall and their unwillingness to talk on the subject. In conversation, do not give them more information than the one they want. If you start telling them about your experience on your own, they may distance themselves even more. Answer only to what they ask you. Later on, they will ask you more questions - then you`ll respond. Their lack of experience in this relation will have an impact on the questions they`ll pose, so make sure you`ve got the question right before you answer. Prepare for individual talks with your parents, if they`d like such. Sometimes, the opinion of the dominant parent will prevail and determine their attitude toward what they`ve found out about you.

GUILT

Most people think of homosexuality as a “problem” and wander “What has caused it?” They think that if they succeed in finding reasons for it, they`ll also find a cure. Parents look for the reasons in themselves: “What did I do wrong so that my daughter became a lesbian?” and they don`t stop blaming themselves. This is a feeling that makes them ashamed and sad. And though both parents feel that way, mothers blame themselves more because they are also women. The father of the girl usually accepts the situation easier and more philosophically because of the nature of the father`s jealousy to other men. It is very convenient if the girl has a sister who is not a lesbian - in this case, the parents will accept the argument that this is not their fault as only one of their daughters is a lesbian, and the other is not, and that other factors have influenced her sexuality. It is more difficult to overcome guilt if the girl has only one parent because of death of a parent or divorce. “I knew that I wouldn`t manage being a mother and a father at the same time!” When parents feel guilt, they concentrate on their own feelings and don`t pay attention to the situation of the girl. They don`t pay attention and even someties don`t show directly their sense of guilt to their daughter. For them, this is something like: “I created you such and made you different! I`m guilty!” This is a very painful feeling. The girl should help her parents. To tell them that the reason may be not as simple as they think. To explain them that there are many theories about why some people are homosexuals, and no one is clear about that. Unfortunately, there aren`t many options for you. Guilt can periodically come back to them. The best you can do is to point

EXPRESSION OF FEELINGS

Burst of emotions
When it becomes clear that guilt and self-accusations are unnecessary, parents are ready to ask questions. This is the moment when you can converse most productively with your parents. Now, they will burst in a whole array of emotions: “We are disappointed that maybe we won`t have grandchildren!” - “Please don`t tell any of the relatives, we are not able to talk to anyone about it!” - “May be it was better that we didn`t know!” - “How could you hurt us in this way!” - “It is better that we`d die!” As much as we live in a homophobic society, you have experienced these feelings yourself (isolation, fear from denial, being hurt, confusion, fear from the future, and so on), so you can easily comprehend their feeling and give them a good advice how to overcome them. In any case, let them tell anything, no matter how long will it take. Don`t place your needs over theirs. Time for that will come later.

Anger and pain
Anger and pain are probably the most often expressed feelings. Those are, as a whole, first moment reactions, expressions of hostility and cruelty. They may tell you that it has been better to die only to save themselves from being ashamed of you. They may want to punish you. They will criticize you. You may be tempted to distance yourself, feeling sorry that you have raised the question at all. Don`t do that, there is no going back anyhow. You have to put up with this period. After they poor their anger over your unfortunate head, they`ll calm down and will look more positively and realistically to the realities.

PERSONAL DECISION

To be developed

ACCEPTANCE

To be developed