Most probably, you will not loose your friends, and lesbian friends - you can find everywhere. Many young lesbians claim that they didn’t loose their friends but they actually increased their number after coming out. It is easier to communicate with people when you don’t hide anything and when you feel confident in yourself. But in lots of cases, many lesbians have gone through terrible periods in their environment and in their school when they were coming out. Especially in the small towns and the closed ethnic communities, the discrimination toward homosexuality is particularly strong. The co-eds can be very cruel, especially those who are less confident and want to show off in front of their friends by hurting you. Their mocking can make you life a living hell. And nothing can stop them. I’ve heard that in Massachusetts, in the States, there is a law which prohibits ridiculing on the basis of sexual orientation. Lucky ones. But let us go back to the question. If you want to come out to your friends, pick up those whom you’re sure will respect your right to privacy and personal life. Friends that like to rumour can worsen your problems, even if they don’t want to hurt you on purpose. I think that most of your friends will support you. One or two of them, you’ll find out, have already guessed about your preferences. You can even find out that you have had a lesbian friend without knowing that. Another part of your friends will need some time to accept it. They can think that when you ask them to go out, hold their hands or hug them, you are actually flirting with them, and they might feel uncomfortable. Some might even think that if you are such close friends and you are a lesbian, this makes them lesbians as well. What you have to do is show understanding on your turn and give them time to accept the fact that you are a lesbian. Try to put yourself on their place, to understand their feelings, thoughts, and doubts, and think of a way to convince them that you haven’t changed, you are the same girl as before you revealed your sexuality to them. Talking to lesbian friends about their experiences can also help. Finding lesbian friends is very important - friends who know how you feel as they have already gone through what you experience. This is a good way to make the first steps toward revealing your sexuality. In the West, there are many organizations in which the young girl can receive advice, contact other girls like her, or just feel well in a comfortable environment. For us, there is just the pitiful and risky possibility to try the newspaper ads, the magazines, the internet forums and clubs…
       REMEMBER: Even if it looks as if you are the only lesbian in the region where you live or the school in which you study, this is not the case!
Around 3% of the people are homosexual, and with such a great number, it is not possible that people like you whom you already know (though not as lesbians) or such you haven’t met aren’t around. Lesbians often joke that they have something like an inner ‘radar’ or gaydar which makes them recognize through outer signs who is and who is not a lesbian. I don’t share this opinion. To recognize who is a lesbian is the same as to guess peoples` thoughts. But anyhow, I also trust my gaydar very often. You can make it, too… you’ll make mistakes often but with time and experience, the mistakes will decrease considerably.

I KNOW A LESBIAN!

This is an attempt to throw up some thingies for people, friends and acquaintances of girls, which find out that these girls are lesbians:
No matter whether in the university, at the work place, in the neighbourhood where you live… wherever you are- you probably have a friend or an acquaintance who is sexually and emotionally attracted to women. To smaller or greater extent, openly or secretly, she might be falling for you. Or she might like a friend of yours. You might be often wondering if one or another of your friends is a lesbian. Whether her innocent, at first glance, jokes might carry a deeper message. Whether her touches don’t have a sexual sub-context. Whether she is just friendly toward you or there is something else. Many ‘whether?’… I write that in order to make a pitiful attempt to help you as much as I can, so that you can understand better your friends and acquaintances who are attracted to women. I write and I hope it will reach you.

     Every person deserves a normal treatment!
You are human being. You have your joys and sorrows, your triumphs and downfalls, your dreams and fantasies… You experience different things, you cry or laugh, fight the difficulties and enemies in your life, celebrate and have fun with your friends, fall in love and stop loving… You are just a human. Well, she is a lesbian. She is a human, too. She, the same way as you and as impossible as it sounds, also has her joys and sorrows, her triumphs and downfalls, her dreams and hopes, her thoughts and fantasies… she has the same experiences as you- she cries and laughs, fights her difficulties and enemies, she falls in love and stops loving…. She, the lesbian is a human as you are. Every person has her or his worth, and it is important to treat everyone with respect. And it doesn’t matter whether you like a particular category of people. Whether you hate what they personify or love it. Whether you are attracted to the same things as them.

To treat a person with respect, though this person is a lesbian, means the following:
  -To accept and recognize her positive qualities to the extent she possesses such;
  -Not to mock or make fun of this woman and to call her names;
  -Not to tell insulting jokes and stories about lesbians in front of her or join the laughter of friends telling mean jokes about lesbians (kinda of hard, but very important)
  -Not to talk behind her back, spread rumours or open lies, or reveal secrets you’ve learned one way or another;
  -To recognize this woman’s right to have different convictions and choice that your own instead of demanding that she must choose what you did;
  -To listen to her carefully in a conversation and try to understand what she’d like to tell you; if you don’t understand, ask her to explain in more detail;
  -To treat her honestly;

     Respect the trust with which she has endowed you!
Every lesbian has the right to decide whether, when, and to whom she will share the things that are important to her. There are many people who are open and relaxed in discussing their sexuality. But most lesbians don’t do it. They can talk and discuss only with some people and besides, they appraise the circumstances and gather courage very long. You have to keep that in mind. If a friend or acquaintances shares with you about her attraction to women, you have to respect her trust in you. Don’t tell it to other people. Keep the secret for yourself. If it is difficult for you to accept what you’ve learnt, if you cannot make sense of her attraction to women, then just try to read a bit more on women’s homosexuality. And if despite that you need an advice or help from a third person on the information you need or you feel that you have to tell the story to your friend or acquaintance, then find a person who doesn’t know this girl and don’t tell her name in front of this person. May be your lesbian friend hasn’t told you anything; yet, you have understood somehow and you wonder what kind of experience does she have in lesbian love. In those cases, there are different (according to the circumstances) ways in which you can proceed:
   -You can tell her about something you’ve watched on the TV or read in the magazines, and the material treated homosexuality and more specifically the lesbians (personally, I share about my own sexuality in such conversations, the question is not whether I trust a friend or an acquaintance, it is just that my sexuality is not the leading factor in my contacts, and I can’t simply throw it at someone’s face ‘I am a lesbian’);
  -You can also tell her that you are worried by the rude social treatment of homosexual people and to ask her opinion if this senseless and unfounded hatred is something normal for her, why it exists and should we tolerate it. In this way, you can direct the conversation to one more personal sphere, so that she can feel more relaxed. If you notice that something makes her uncomfortable in this topic, don’t push things. Say something of the sort: ‘I see that something bothers you in a way. Do you wanna talk about it?’- and if she says ‘No’, respect her refusal to talk, but be around her in case that she wants to talk about it- something that happens very often, by the way.
  -You can also be the first to share some personal things about you, so that you become closer and she feels more relaxed to share something personal about her.
  -You can ask her directly. But you have to be very careful in this situation. Many girls prefer to be asked directly, but don’t get surprised if her first reaction is aggressive defence. Lesbians are ridiculed and hurt a lot, so they constantly expect the next insult or attack. The moment she makes sure that your question is well meant and you don’t mean to hurt her, you will feel the great warmth with which this woman will endow you.

Whichever way you choose, if you choose any of these ways at all- depends on several things:
  -How long have you known each other?
  -Does she feel relaxed on sexual and emotional matters?
  -Is she inclined to share with you personal things?
  -How will you respond if she asks ‘Why do you want to know?’
  -What does she know about your opinion on homosexuality and lesbians (like - has she heard you tell jokes or ridicule homosexuals or she has seen you treat the different with respect)

     Don’t focus on her sexual orientation!
On the first place, she is your acquaintance, a person, and a woman. She is an individual and a human being with her feelings, intellect, hopes, dreams, and fears, and every other trait that is common to the human beings. Don’t make the mistake of getting influenced in all other aspects of your relations by what you know about her. Her sexuality is only a part of her identity and in most cases, sexuality does not have an impact on her treatment, behaviour, words, or capabilities. Nothing between you - in your relationship - has changed. What you have gone through and what you have talked about before hasn’t changed, it exists in the past and you should not examine it through this new light. You are the same friends as before and if anything has changed between you and her, it is that there are fewer secrets and barriers. Now, you know more about her. You know something very personal and very difficult to share. This is a sign that she trusts you much more as a friend, and you have to treat her trust with respect and to show her that you deserved this trust. Don’t allow the heterosexist things you’ve heard or read about lesbians influence your attitude toward her. You know her as a real person and let only the real things lead you in your friendship. There are many things which determine the worth of a woman- not just her sexuality. Your attitude toward her must be based on what she is as a person, what she likes, what views she holds, what she wants from life and how she strives to achieve it.

     Listen to the feelings of your friend or acquaintance!
Listen to the feelings of your friend or acquaintance! Feelings stand behind words. There is a whole ocean of feelings behind words. Try to find about them.
  -May be she feels lonely?
  -May be she is angry?
  -May be she is depressed?
  -Or she is happy that she can share with someone at last?
  -Or…?
And if it is none of your business to give unwanted advice, you can simply give her courage while you listen to her and show that you understood the feelings that fill her inside.

     Talk openly and honestly to her!
Communication is vitally important for human relationships. And if the communication between you both is good, open, and honest, then this will make your friendship and relationship firm. Here are some examples:
    - Do not make conclusions right away. Listen carefully what she says and try to follow her thought.
    - Try to draw conclusions from her words, not from rumours and stories you’ve heard about her or other lesbians. If you are missing something, if you are unsure about something, or you are curious, ask her directly but politely (not, for example: ‘Are you really licking other women?’). You can even pose a question about her feelings for women if it interests you, but you have to be careful how it sounds. This conversation will be a pivotal moment in your relationship and you must avoid ill- considered expressions. If you ask the right question, she can always answer you or avoid the direct response. But if the latter happens, this can represent, to a great extent, an answer for you.
    - If she has just come out as a lesbian, it will help a lot to show her a verbal support and understanding – even approval (why not)
    - Don’t think that she knows or senses what you think or feel about the fact that she is a lesbian. At this moment, she is worried and to an extent scared by a possible rejection on your part. So, it is important to express in words what you feel and think. It is good, depending on the circumstances, to say one of the following things:
- ‘I have really wondered whether you were a lesbian, so I am not surprised that you were telling me that. This doesn’t change anything between us and my attitude toward you. You are my friend and that’s it!’
- ‘Well, it doesn’t really matter! I didn’t suspect that you were a lesbian, but this is not a problem. We are still friends, right?’
- ‘This is really a big surprise for me. I am truly shocked and I will need a little time to understand how I feel about the fact that you were a lesbian. Will this be a problem?’
- ‘Thank you for trusting me so much… but this really bothers me…can you help me learn more about it?’

In some cases- depending on what kind of person you are- she can share with you very personal and detailed things about her homosexuality; in other cases, she might share very little or hardly anything at all. It is important that you give her the freedom to decide how much she wants to share at this stage. At the same time, she might be waiting for a signal that it is OK for you to share more. Sometimes, a person has the unbearable need to share with someone even the most intimate things. You can easily hint her by saying:
- ‘How much and what you’ll share with me depends entirely on you, but I want you to know that I am always ready to listen’
or:
- ‘I sense that something worries you. Whenever you feel ready, I am here and I’ll be glad if you share it with me.’
In case, that she goes into details that you’re not inclined to listen about, you can carefully say something of the sort:
- ‘I’m glad that you trust me so much to share such intimate things. But I think that I’d prefer if you don’t go into so much detail. Do you mind if we skip them?’

     Learn more about homosexuality!
You will not only understand your friend better, but you might find it interesting to read books and materials which gives you a better idea how she feels, what is on her mind, how she senses things, and what she goes through.

     While talking to her, don’t be scared to show different thinking!
People have different opinions. Some of these opinions are not their own but for example heard or seen in movies. Others have very firm opinions on some questions - as the religious, sectarians, and the politicians. There is nothing wrong in that unless it is charged with malice and judgement. In this sense, homosexuality is something very personal and private, related to the feelings, preferences, and sensations of the concrete person… This does not mean though that since you are friends, you must have the exactly same attitude toward homosexuality, to express one position or opinion. I don’t believe that she will get insulted because you don’t like the idea of being a lesbian yourself. In all cases, it is much more interesting to discuss homosexuality instead of soap opera on the TV. Yet, if your position on homosexuality is too negative, think what is more important to you before expressing judgemental opinion. To stand up for your hatred and misunderstanding of lesbians in general or to assert and keep your friendship.

    Dialogue includes:
  - Listening to the other person, her understandings and position, and probably asking some questions in order to understand some aspects of her opinion
  - Expressing our position and understandings clearly and as much as necessary to be understood;
  - Finding common grounds and stands and reaching mutual agreement;
  - Expressing disagreements with stands and opinions which are unacceptable for us;
  - Hearing the argument of the person who disagrees with us;
  - Dialogue does not include rude outbursts and attempts to get one’s way forcefully and without proper explanation of one’s views;
  - Every person has the right to believe in what she or he believes, no matter if she or he has any proof for or against these beliefs. 
  - To treat people with respect means to give them freedom as well.

     Getting to know a lesbian…

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